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[Friday
Sep.9.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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GG Allin - A Fuckup |
] |
I have a dead end job in a dead end town that keeps getting worse. I have an embarrassing white trash family that I have to work extra hard to help out. Plus, my love interest lives thousands of miles away most of the time. At least God could of given me a retarded little brother like Gilbert got.
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[Wednesday
Aug.31.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none because i'm so upset |
] |
I am only typing this out to feel better and set my mind straight.
Last night around 11, I checked my cell phone and had 5 missing calls. One was a prank call message from Private (this fucking kid, who I am seriously on my last straw with) and the other ones were from Cait. I listened to her message that said "My cell phone is taken and my car keys and don't text me, or call me..." and all this shit, so I am thinking I got dumped, or her mom doesn't want her to talk to me anymore. So I started crying terribly and called her Aunt Lulu about it, because I had no idea what to do. She called the house and talked to Cait's mom who said "Cait and I had a fight, I didn't say she couldn't use the phone or talk to Jayr anymore. She just walked out the door though.". So now my thoughts are all terrible, I thought Cait was hitchhiking or something stupid she would do because she's so headstrong and stubborn (god bless her). So I stayed up until about 3 crying hysterically and yelling at my dad about who's a bitch and who can tell me who I can and cannot talk to and he gave me a big Ambien and it knocked me out until 10AM. Then I looked at my cell and at 9:56.. litreally 4 minutes earlier, Cait called and said she was okay. But still, I have NO idea what happened, my mind ranges from the possibility they argued over October, or me, or to the worst, she was caught doing drugs or something. So I am still freaking the fuck out all day long and there's no way to talk to her at all. She won't be home until 3 her time which is 6 my time, in which I'll be in the car to NJ. And chances are she won't even come home. I swear, she's the best and I love her more than anything in the world, but sometimes she can be very inconsiderate. I am fucking dying inside not knowing if I can ever see her again. She said "We won't be able to talk for awhile." just like Jill did. This is DEFINITELY one of the worst few days of my life. If anyone knows any of Cait's friends numbers in AZ, that'd help me alot. And if anyone knows what happened, that would be even better. I am gonna try to calm down over the next 3 hours until Matt gets here to write songs.
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| my new poem |
[Thursday
Aug.25.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Crime Mob - Knuck If You Buck |
] |
Decapitation through strangulation
This wire around your throat
Pressure pops your fucking neck
You headless waste of zygote
Surburban fool, you'll die tonight
Don't fucking cross my path
I dream of severing your spinal cord
And splitting your medula in half
Never run up on the crew in our area
We'll come and get ya, then slit ya, then bury ya
We run this cult, so wiggers you're scared of us
It's my sexual fantasy to kill you
Rich boy, don't walk my streets
I'll snatch your chain and stab you
Don't be scared when the construction van
Uses brute force to grab you
Hispanics and white trash
Will make you suck our fucking gats
We slaughter fucking white boys
Who pretend that they're black
Never run up on the crew in our area
We'll come and get ya, then slit ya, then bury ya
We run this cult, so wiggers you're scared of us
It's my sexual fantasy to kill you
Black people hate you.
You defile their race.
White people hate you.
We'll shoot you in the face.
Everybody hates you.
You waste of sperm and eggs.
God, I fucking hate you.
I'd love to beat you in the face until it goes soft.
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[Wednesday
Aug.24.05] |
| [ |
music |
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Crime Mob - /Scissor Shock mixed in my head |
] |
I wish I was dead.
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[Saturday
Jul.30.05] |
| [ |
music |
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TEMPTS - EARF |
] |
back with cait 7-28
50s style faggots.
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| fuck |
[Wednesday
Jul.27.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hurry Up & Kill Yourself - Nick Nolte & Gary Busey |
] |
every moment of every day i contemplate just slitting my wrists.
i only consider myself and my dad when doing things.
that's scary, cause he'll be dead soon and I dunno what I'll end up doing.
so yeah, everyday is a cesspool of whores and drugs and alcohol and i hate every single person i'm forced to come in contact with who isn't a close friend.
fucking girls, yeah girls. they all want me to commit and fucking sit down and have picnics, but i am still hurting from my last relationship. i still wake up saying fucking names or whatever, who cares.
i've been fucked up constantly for like a month or two now, i don't know what day it is unless i get on the computer and i only get on the computer about.. 40 minutes a week now.
i'm going to Tennessee in November to learn how to make major drug deals from the Jones family.
wish me the worst.
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[Wednesday
May.11.05] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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AUTOPHAGIA - ASPHYXIATED WITH ENTRAILS ON HIS NECK |
] |
Ghost talk.
Bus trip.
Goregrind.
Bongzilla t.
Depraved body.
I love you.
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[Saturday
Apr.30.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Josh Rouse - It's The Nighttime |
] |
PFC Schlatter James
1/6 A CO 3rd PLT
unit 73160
FPO AE 09509-3160
Even if you don't this man, right him a letter saying only happy fun things. Serious is gay, he has to shoot people and defend a country he doesn't love.. that's serious enough. Say stupid shit.
On another note, my baby left today, so I will be online alot more again. But journals aren't my business.
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[Sunday
Apr.10.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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le fuck fuck |
] |
| [ |
music |
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GG Allin - Commit Suicide |
] |
life sucks.
tonight I'm getting fucked up if Chris stops hanging out with his old lady anytime soon.
i'm probably gonna do something fucked up and weird since i hate everything.
oh well, at least I got my girlfriend.
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[Tuesday
Apr.5.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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chillin' |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Drive-By Truckers - The Night GG Allin Came To Town |
] |
Dates changed:
Arizona May 21st
King Diamond April 18th
Cait comes home April 22nd
Today, I wrote Jim a letter and did lots of laundry.
I've been working on some folk songs.
I need a last name still, comment with J names for me.
If you pick the winning name and I get famous, I'll give you some money or some lovin' (fellas).. your choice.
I need to start playing some acoustic solo shows.
So far, I got under my belt..
College Radio & The Apocalypse
The Dial Tone
Telephone Wires
The Ballad Of Caity Em
some untitled song
a song about my dad and me becoming a man
and covers..
"Carmelita" by Warren Zevon
"Delia's Gone" by Johnny Cash
"Satan Gave Me A Taco" by Beck
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[Tuesday
Mar.29.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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KING DIAMOND - ARRIVAL |
] |
I guess I'll be online alot more since Cait left again.
We spent all this past 9 days together. We went out to dinner a few times, went to a movie, went ice skating, spent alot of cuddle time, hung out with family and junk, made a pipe bomb to blow up whoever reads this and danced to bad music in my bedroom. Oh and ate alot.
Now I have nothing to do. But on the bright side, I am going to AZ May 25th if things with her mom work out well. Plus, I get to see King Diamond, The Black Dahlia Murder, Behemoth and Nile (gay :P) on April 15 with Larry and Stu!! Hot.
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[Monday
Mar.21.05] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Anal C-word - Being Ignorant Is Awesome |
] |
You're a gay homosexual faggot, plus you're fucking gay.
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[Monday
Mar.14.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Doors - I Looked At You |
] |
I woke up at 12 today and started to sew my comforter. I've been really into trying to sell out and shit lately. I need to write a letter to Iggy Pop and ask him if I can be him circa 1969 or something with his help. I always forget I'm only 17 and that most people attain fame at around 22-25. And I've been in this game for a pretty long while.. so I dunno.
I play a show with The End Of Infinity tomorrow night at Kahunaville, 9:30 we go on. Come check it out, hey. I'm still interested in playing with Kirby and Chris, but neither have talked to me in awhile. I'm basically just about to say fuck it and move to AZ after my sister's wedding and hopefully move to NYC or LA or somewhere important. I mean, I know it's better to be the big fish in DE than one of the millions in LA.. but I don't have a chance here.. there's no pawns. Everyone wants creative input.. and they don't know shit about crowd psychology, style, trends and the way they move.. I mean anyone who thinks Taking Back Sunday is still cool is not gonna work out. It's about the future, the past and the present culture. Not music or friendship. I dunno. I can't get over the fact that I can't find a single person who can even go on tour, let alone dedicate their life to getting somewhere in entertainment.
My girlfriend will be here Friday. I'm interested in playing any kind of music with anyone, if anyone reads this. That includes everything but generic or boring metal, generic punk (nofx and stupid shit like that) or the current dying trend of metalcore and emo and autumn leaves and wack shit.
I mean that's: post-punk, rock and roll, thrash, grind, jazz, artsy rock, doo-wop, electronica, goth, death metal, crust punk, doom metal, stoner rock, hippie shit, jam music, goregrind, anything DIFFERENT and NEW.
I really just wanna be in a band like the Stooges, Pink Grease, the Stones, the Strokes, the Doors, the Velvet Underground, Nirvana, the Killers. All these big names from all these different years.. they are ALL the same. They looked good, they were ahead of the trends and they sold the fuck out. Someone sell out with me, please?!?!
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[Saturday
Mar.12.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Nirvana - Mexican Seafood |
] |
Oh, I forgot about the thrift store and Burger King and shit with my sister on Thursday. She also was so nice as to give me marijuana and also smoke some with me. Aw.
Tonight, I've decided I am doing nothing.
I feel bad telling people I can't come to their play or hang out over their house or go drive around.. but I feel like getting drunk alone and carving some Egyptian thing I see in my dreams into my flesh somewhere.
This Tuesday, I guess I am performing as a vocalist with the technical metal band The End Of Infinity. It's at Kahunaville, I will be nervous and feel stupid. But don't tell anyone. I doubt anyone will come anyway. It'll be 9:30 when we go on.
I also sort of updated http://www.purevolume.com/jayraristocrat incase anyone is interested (which, again, I will assume no one is).
My girlfriend and I are on a really fucked up rollercoaster.. where we go from fighting to lovey to disintersted to cute to indifferent. I guess we need the physical passion. I know, I do.
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[Saturday
Mar.12.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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stoned, yo. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Primus - Nature Boy |
] |
So like, Thursday I went to End Of Infinity's practice. Then we hung out and some people came over and we left. Me, Jared and Rich stayed at Rich's and chilled. I saw that girl Mackenzie and it turns out she is Rich's stepsister. Ate some stuffing. We went to sleep until like 8 AM. Mad kids came over skipping school. We played pool.. 9-ball, 8-ball and cutthroat. When I had about given up, the luck of the Irish came and I cleared 5 balls and the 8-ball off the table to give me and Rich the win. Then we went to Jared's and chilled there and watched TV.. cleaned up the place.. drove to Ocean Mart, the big accomplishment of the day. Then that night, I came back. Chris and Mara and Stu picked me up and we went to McDonald's and Wawa. The night totally blew. I just wanted to be home.
I guess I have been weird lately or something. I just don't like anything. I have 6 days until Cait comes to my house.. so it doesn't matter, I guess. I have to clean.
Today I did nothing yet. I woke up and found something my dad left laying around and watched WACK TV. It won't be getting warm until March 22nd, and it won't be constant high 50's until March 28th. That gives me 6 days to be a mega jerk and then after Cait leaves and it's warm, I have to make the best of my last summer as an illegal. Super.
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[Wednesday
Mar.9.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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productive and shitt. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Beck - Satan Gave Me A Taco |
] |
The past few weeks have held alot of cool shit, man.
I did my share of partying and all that.
I went a bunch of new places and went ice skating.
I am starting a band with Chris and Kirby.
I am recording an EP with Beneath Ashen Skies in a studio soon.
I am trying out to sing for End Of Infinity.
I am playing Kahunaville next Tuesday as Jayr Aristocrat, the second rate Beck.
I let some guy play Spooky Witch on his radio show, my little cybergrind project.
I became addicted to coin games.
I got to bond with Jared and Zach yesterday alot.. they are real cool cats.
I joined a cult called superfly jimmy snuka.
I ate aphids.
TEEHEE.
I also stopped being friends only, because I prefer to type what I am listening to and click okay or whatever.
Peace.
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[Wednesday
Feb.23.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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HI |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ICERIDDEN ALTAR OF MEAT CURTAINS - A COLORED NOISE |
] |
Sunday I was on dxm and had a long weird day. Chris and me and Stu hung out all day.. we ended up with Jim and Matt McHugh somehow. It was a crazy day.
The next day, Presidents Day. I accomplished quite a bit of things like cleaning and writing a song and got some money.
Today, I got more money, set up a surprise and got something for myself.
I'm quite the in-depth writer, eh?
I love you Caitlin.
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[Saturday
Feb.19.05] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sausage festival |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Beck - MTV Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack |
] |
Tonight I chilled with Chris, Stu and Mara. We ate pizza. It was rock and roll. Sike. I am fantastic. Yeah dogpound.
Beer.
Tomorrow morning, me and Stu and Chris are driving to Acme and then some other shit.. who knows? Later.
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[Saturday
Feb.19.05] |
| [ |
mood |
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fuck it |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Doors - Soul Kitchen |
] |
On Thursday, Chris picked me up after my drunk and we went to Middletown Music. We then picked up Stu and headed to Mara's. There was some girl named Amelia there, she seemed pretty cool.. she had an afro. We all stayed up and watched Shaun Of The Dead and chilled, I felt bad about not calling my girlfriend. So I don't even cheat on her or anything and now I hear she's spending her money on drugs, what a joke. I'm not even really mad, I'm just pissed about not doing coke and heroin and turning down all these girls.. and then she decides it's time to be all "FUCK YOU" towards me because we didn't talk for one night.
Today, Chris dropped off me and Stu and fixed some Cait's aunts computer for 20 bucks. I was gonna buy weed, but decided to save it to buy something for us in AZ.. of course I later find out she wants to spend her money on drugs with her stupid dyke cunt friend. Fantastic. Chris came back with beer and we have been drinking, but I don't like Yuengling, it's too faggy for me.
Now I'm arguing with my dad like always, as my drunk friends smell up my room and my girlfriend doesn't answer me. What the fuck do I put up with all these people for? I'm about done. Peace.
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[Thursday
Feb.17.05] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Doors - Love Her Madly |
] |
tonight, I messed up one of the only good things that's ever happened to me. I made the girl I love feel inferior and I didn't even mean to. I tried to make it better, but it wasn't happening. yeah, my knees got weak. I am afraid to face things, you know?
bonnet to brassiere, the social climate drops fast.
it's a cold, hard world to grow up in, babe.
man, I had a quintuplet shot to the Three's Company song when it came on at 2. no RxFx though. just one more thing to make my night miserable.
don't you love her madly?
♥ babe.
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chakraxcon's journal